Learning Center - Women's Bible Studies

Are There Any Good Men Out There?
by Rev. Tina McGehee

Many of you have asked me “Are there any good men out there?” The answer is yes. Like a lot of you, I was in an abusive first marriage. My ex-husband was verbally abusive and towards the end became physically abusive. One minute he was angry with me and the next he was angry with someone else. Literally, for 13 years I felt like I was on a roller coaster. I would try to make him happy. I did everything I could but the harder I tried, the worse he became.

Some people asked me “why did it take you so long to leave this man?” Just as I told them, I’m telling you. I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic background. The thought of divorce was unacceptable. Then again, no one in my family had a marriage like mine. I would look my cousins and their wives and all of them were genuinely happy with each other. I’d compare my marriage and I would cry inside, I felt so disgusted not to mention lonely and sad.

I never let anyone see the true inner me. People at work didn’t know how miserable I was. I was ashamed that I had sunk so low. My career was taking off and here I was – a successful career woman with an alcoholic husband and an abusive marriage. This whole concept was foreign to me because I never grew up with abuse. In fact, I was very spoiled and content. My parents treated me like a princess. So how did this happen? He intrigued me. He was different than anything I was used to and once I agreed to marry him, I was determined to make my marriage work. I knew I would make a difference in this man’s life. Famous last words…

As my life became more and more miserable, I would pray and pray for God to change this man. Nothing would happen. In fact, he was drinking heavier than before and becoming uglier with each passing day.

I’ll never forget the night I watched him sleep in his drunken stupor and I could feel the anger rising within me. Literally, I saw the baseball bat in the corner and thought, “Oh, how I wish I could hit him over and over again. Then, maybe the pain would go away.”

Common sense stepped in and I realized how far the anger had seeped into my bones. Never in my life did I think I could feel such violence and hate towards another human being. Honestly, it scared me. I couldn’t get down on my knees fast enough to pray.

I asked God to forgive me for my thoughts and to help me. That’s when I heard His voice “You will see his fruits and by his fruits you will know my answer.”

What did that mean? God was always speaking to me in parables and I hated that because I didn’t understand Him. I wanted to hear Him say “Tina, go ahead and leave this man.”

Later that day I had a business meeting. While there, our president was speaking about the principles in her marriage and how they applied to her life and business. She began to say that they had 6 principles they lived by. They were: 1) Love 2) Friendship 3) Trust 4) Respect 5) Honor and 6) Obedience.

I went down the list in my marriage. 1) Love – yes there was love albeit not much but there was love. 2) Friendship – yes, we were friends. In fact, we were better friends than lovers. 3) Trust – None. I absolutely didn’t trust him. He lied so much half the time I never knew what to believe. 4) Respect – I lost all respect for this man. He definitely didn’t respect me so how could I show him respect if I didn’t get any? 5) Honor and 6) Obedience – You had to be kidding!!

I remember telling God “I see what you mean” and I heard “that is not a true marriage. A marriage sanctioned by me is one where the two of you are equally yoked. Today, you will see more.”

I remembered thinking “equally yoked? What does that mean?” Being a Roman Catholic, I read my bible but I never really studied it so I didn’t understand the concept of “equally yoked.” Then, I thought about God’s last words to me “Today, you will see more.” What did that mean? I began to tremble with fear of the unknown.

About 3:30 PM, I received a call from my ex-husband telling me he was in a car accident. The car was totaled and “to come get him” When I pulled up to the accident scene, I saw the police were taking him away to jail on a DUI. About 5 hours later, he was released and the first words to me were “You were the last person I wanted to see” proceeded by every filthy word imaginable.

When we got home I grabbed my cats and dog and locked us in the bedroom. I put a chair under the knob because he was so angry I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. I began to pray. I heard God’s voice again “Those are his fruits and they do not come from me. A marriage blessed by me is not one of abuse.” I felt such relief flood out. I knew then if I got a divorce God would be okay with me. He would forgive me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t condone divorce and I’m not saying that God says it is okay to divorce just because you want to. Marriage is very hard and you have to work at it every day. The Hebrews frowned upon wife battering. The Jewish ideal was that a wife was a man’s crown, the queen of her home and a treasure to be defended at all costs. {Prov. 12:4; 31:10-31}

People today give up too easily on their marriages and that is not right. You have to make every effort to make your marriage work before giving up. However, when one is suffering abuse and their life is in jeopardy, God understands and forgives.

Psalm 34:17-18 says, "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

This is why the concept of being “equally yoked” is very important. If you are not “equally yoked” with someone you are going to have a hard time of it. This is why you must not settle for less especially if you are a believer. You need to be bonded with another believer to truly be blessed by God.

After my divorce I didn’t want to have anything more to do with marriage. I figured I’d have a boyfriend who had his house and I had mine. We’d see each other a couple of days during the week and on the weekends we’d do stuff. My mind was concentrating on work, family, friends, travel and God. See where I put God? Last on my list.

Well, God had other plans. He put a long-time friend in my life who was also going through a divorce. This man is a wonderful person and a very Godly man. He helped to open my mind to the scriptures and to the principles that God teaches. He knew I was searching because I wasn’t content at my church so he invited me to his church. I loved his church because of the closeness of the congregation and the wonderful presence of the Holy Spirit in the sanctuary. The people there were so reverent and it reminded me of the old-time Catholic Church where we would speak in Latin with the various rituals like the incense burning, etc. It brought back a time to my mind where I was a little child - very peaceful and calm.

I began attending this church and studied their doctrines but I also saw something that I didn’t like – legalism and judgmental spirits. Of course at the time I didn’t realize what that was but I knew something wasn’t right. I prayed to God to help me find a “parish” where I would feel His love for people and where I could grow. Little did I know that God was waiting for me to ask that! This is also how I know God has a sense of humor: I had asked Him to send me to another “parish” and instead, He sent me to a Pentecostal church in Tempe. I knew my family would flip out but I didn’t care. I knew God wanted me at this church. A church where the Pastor was so cool and the people were loving. They sang beautiful songs and more than anything else – they lived the scriptures as Jesus taught us to.

I got involved in the church and met my present husband. He was looking for a church and God led him to this one. In fact, the first day Ty came to this church was the first day we met. We shook hands and we both felt the electricity shoot through us. Little did we know that a year and a half later we’d be walking down the aisle as man and wife and “equally yoked.”

What is this man like? First of all, he is a Godly man who puts God first – even before me. He is kind, compassionate, intelligent, hard working and fun. He is someone that I can share my innermost feelings with – a concept I never did with anyone in my life until this man. I marvel at the fact that I trust him like I’ve never trusted anyone else except my parents.

My family loves him and he loves them. He takes care of me and I always know that when I go home he will be there with loving, open arms. It doesn’t matter how stressful my day was – when I get home I know that I will find peace and calmness with him. Now, I can say I truly enjoy going home.

What makes this man different than my ex-husband? He is a man who believes. He puts God first and lives by the scriptures. He is human and at times, he will get frustrated or upset with life but never does he abandon his faith. Let me also say this, Ty has been to hell and back. He has seen the ravages of drug abuse and violence.  He’s seen many sides to life that I can’t even imagine but through it all, God had him in his little pocket. God knew exactly what was right for Ty and he knew what was right for me. (See also Jeremiah 1:5 & 29:11-14}

When I look back at how God has worked in my life, I just marvel. He shows me how much He loves me over and over. Until I gave my life to Christ in July, 2000, I never understood the concept of being born again. In fact, I used to laugh and say to my born-again friends “when was I lost?” I really believed that because I knew Jesus was my Savior I was never lost. Boy, I was wrong! Sure, I knew Jesus was my Savior but I never understood the scriptures, I didn’t have the spiritual discernment that I now have and more than anything else – I didn’t have the joy in my heart that I have. I think that is the one thing that makes you realize how different it is – to have that joy is a very precious thing.

Now, I look at my ex-husband and I feel love for him. Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t love him the same way I love Ty. I love him in the Christian way of love. I want the best for his life and I want him to become delivered from all his bondage because I know he would be a happier person. I also know that God gives every man free will and until he decides to make that commitment on his own, he will still be wrapped up in chains of anger and frustration.

So at this point, the answer to your question is yes. Yes, there are good men out there. Yes, you can have a beautiful life with a wonderful man. But first, you have to rely on God and allow Him to work on you. Many of you have gone through a lot of abuse and suffering through no fault of your own. Give it to God, let Him take if from you. Jesus says “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” {Matt 11:28-30) When you give it all over to Him, you’ll experience a release you’ve not known. The joy in your heart will become so powerful that you’ll wonder why it took you so long to do this.

I hope you’ll be able to draw some strength from my experience. I hope that God’s love and forgiveness shows through and that you too will be able to find peace. God wants us to be filled with his peace because He loves us so.

Keep in touch with me.

God Bless you all,
Pastor Tina McGehee